


Survivor

by neversaydie



Series: Juno Steel and The Great Unfuckening [1]
Category: The Penumbra Podcast
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Childhood Trauma, Complicated Relationships, Food Issues, Juno isn't good at people, M/M, Panic Attacks, Peter is good at juno, Post-Season/Series 02, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Hatred, people aren't good at juno
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-02
Updated: 2019-10-02
Packaged: 2020-11-15 08:09:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,015
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20863001
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neversaydie/pseuds/neversaydie
Summary: Peter doesn't deserve a partner who drinks himself to sleep most nights, who scopes out quick exits and hiding places even when he knows he's safe, who sometimes eats enough to make himself puke simply because he's afraid the food won't still be there the next time he's hungry.Juno is an infection, he knows that, a cancer that spreads through the people stupid enough to love him. If he has to protect Peter from that by keeping him at arm's length, then he will.That resolve lasts until it doesn't, as all poorly conceived notions of self-loathing do.[in which Juno hates living with other people and yet is stuck on a spaceship with them.]





	Survivor

Juno is... not the best at living with other people. 

The ship is at least big enough that he can find places to squirrel himself away and hide, which makes things bearable. Part of him is ashamed that at damn near forty years old he still instinctively looks for bolt holes just in case someone starts screaming at him, but trying  _ not  _ to do it creates far too much anxiety for him to bother changing. Besides, it's probably the most useful thing his mother taught him, considering he's made it this far and has only nearly died… a handful of times. 

He can't hide his flinch the first time Buddy and Vespa start yelling at each other while they eat dinner, and his instincts say that if he leaves to avoid it then his food won't be there when he gets back. Just another shitty lesson in Juno Steel's Lifetime of Poorly Managed Trauma. He shovels his portion of Jet's passable cooking down as quickly as possible and heads back to his bunk, earphones in and back to the wall since he can't hear if someone comes up behind him. 

Nureyev notices, of course, because he notices everything. If he asks Rita about it, Juno never gets the message passed on. 

Things are tense between them, for obvious reasons. Juno has always been the type to shut down after he hurts someone, trying to move on from the incident until whoever it is either forgives him or abandons him altogether. It's why his closest friend is also his employee, probably, and why he's terminally single. Peter, on the other hand, is cool but professional and makes sure the job is the priority rather than the fact Juno took off and left him in the middle of the night without so much as a goodbye. 

He doesn't call Juno  _ my dear _ . He doesn't flirt. He keeps a respectful physical distance unless absolutely necessary. 

Juno feels like he's in purgatory and he  _ hates  _ that he can't choke an apology past his teeth because Nureyev won't understand that he was doing him a favour. Juno isn't good for people, loving him is usually a death sentence or at least a recipe for trouble, and Peter… Peter doesn't deserve that. 

He doesn't deserve a partner who drinks himself to sleep most nights, who scopes out quick exits and hiding places even when he  _ knows _ he's safe, who sometimes eats enough to make himself puke simply because he's afraid the food won't still be there the next time he's hungry. Juno nearly married a man who left him because they couldn't argue without Juno either trying to goad him into hitting him or cowering away like he expected it, and he can't inflict that on Peter. 

Juno is an infection, he knows that, a cancer that spreads through the people stupid enough to love him. If he has to protect Peter from that by keeping him at arm's length, then he will. 

That resolve lasts until it doesn't, as all poorly conceived notions of self-loathing do. 

They're strapped in for landing when it happens, so Juno can't escape. He forgets what he said in the moment, but Buddy sighs in a long-suffering way and says  _ Juno you really are useless _ \- not playfully, not tinged with affection the way Rita sometimes will when he's taking particularly bad care of himself - but cooly. Detached. Like it's a fact. 

Juno freezes as his jet fuel blood crystalises into ice. Then the shaking starts, the fine tremors he can't control as adrenaline shoots through his system and every muscle fibre in his body tenses up because there's nowhere to go. His mother looms over him saying  _ you really are useless  _ and he squeezes his eye shut as tight as he can as if he can block out - 

"Juno?" A hand in his, a soft voice not meant to be overheard. "Just a few more minutes, Juno. You're perfectly safe, I promise."

The hand doesn't leave his for the rest of their descent, and the crew are so eager to get dirtside after days of travelling that they don't notice when Juno doesn't get up with them. Nureyev unbuckles his harness with swift fingers before attending to Juno's, quietly narrating what he's doing so Juno doesn't startle when he feels his touch. When he can finally open his eyes again, it's to see Peter kneeling in front of him with both hands resting on Juno's knees, soft concern pulling around the corners of his eyes. 

"Sorry," Juno croaks out when his situational awareness comes back and he realises, fuck, he just panicked in front of his whole crew. How are they going to trust him on a job like this now? "I… Sorry."

"Nobody noticed," Peter seems to read his mind, sometimes, so Juno doesn't bother to disguise the relieved little slump of his shoulders. "Can you get up? I think replenishing our alcohol supplies would be a good idea just now, don't you?"

"Aren't you supposed to be mad at me for crawling into a bottle whenever I…" Juno trails off as Nureyev stands, offering him a hand up without a word of judgement. 

"I don't care how you survive, Juno, just that you  _ do _ . Being angry with you doesn't mean I don't… care for you very deeply," he wiggles his fingers and Juno takes his hand, always struck by the way their skins contrast as Peter helps him to his feet carefully. Like he's something to be cared for. "Just keep coping however you need to, that's all I ask."

"Oh," it's all he can manage, as Peter squeezes his fingers quickly and then lets him go, heading out of the ship to find the rest of the crew and stop Rita buying yet another tourist monstrosity from the fuel port. It's not an apology, not yet, but maybe Peter telling him it's okay to cope means there could be one. Someday. 

Juno watches him go and dimly, for the first time in a very long time, feels something a little like hope. 


End file.
